Grief

Grief is individual.  Grief is as unique as you are.  There has never been YOU going through THIS.  There is no set precedent.  No expectations to meet.  There are no requirements, there is no right way to grieve.  

            If all this is true, why do we so often feel like we are doing it wrong?  I hear concerns like this in my practice often. Things like; “I should be so much farther along than I am” or “I shouldn’t still feel this way” or “Why am I still in so much pain?” or “What is wrong with me?” This kind of self-criticism only makes the grief more difficult. It is human nature to compare ourselves with others.  And when we are grieving, we sometimes need someone to direct us, to tell us how to stop hurting, and when we see someone who seems to be “ok” we assume they are grieving well, and we are not.  This is not fair to do to ourselves.  They are grieving in their way and time frame, and we are grieving in ours.  Comparisons are not helpful because if perceive someone as doing better than us, we feel bad and if we feel we are doing better than someone else we feel good.   Either way it is not fair to us or the other person. 

            Grief is a normal part of life.  This is what I refer to as “Good Grief.”  We have lost something or someone and we are dealing honestly with the pain of that loss.  We feel the absence and we allow ourselves the time needed to work through the hole that has been left in our lives.  We don’t try to minimize it; we don’t fill our lives with other things that help us distance ourselves from the pain.  We simply let the pain work itself through us.  We don’t try to forget it, but we also do not build a shrine to the pain and stay stuck in it.  

This staying stuck is what is called “Complicated Grief” or what the DSM 5 has identified as Persistent Complex Bereavement Disorder.  This is being studied as a possible addition to the next guide for diagnosis.  Although it is not an official diagnosis at this point it is something I have seen in my practice over the years.  This kind of complicated grief is difficult to muddle through on your own.  If you are finding it hard to accept the death of your beloved or finding that your grief is making it hard to trust others. Or that your anger at the loss is impacting you and your family negatively, or you feel that life without your loved one has lost any meaning.  Then maybe it is time to get some professional help.

Loving and honoring and missing your loved one is healthy.  You learn to live your life for them, if not with them. And all of this is done in your time and at your pace.  Grief is individual.  There has never been You going through THIS.  

If you are struggling, you don’t need to struggle alone.  Counselors are available to walk with you through this difficult time.