Name the Pit!

Who was the Old Testament person thrown in the pit by his brothers? Joseph. And why was he thrown down the dry cistern? Ultimately, it was jealousy. The brothers’ believed Joseph was the favorite son of their father. Their resentment hardened their hearts so much that they were willing to kill their own flesh and blood. A few wanted to kill him on the spot when he wandered into their camp with a message from their father.  They finally decided they did want blood on their hands, so they threw him in a pit; and later sold him as a slave to strangers.

Preachers often ask the question: what did Joseph learn while in the pit? They might have said he felt God was with him or he knew his pit experience was going to turn out good. I have a different take. Joseph went through all the “could’ve, would’ve and should’ve” while sobbing in the darkness.

·      The could’ve: He could have just stayed in his warm tent back home.

·      The would’ve: He would have been better off not listening or believing in God’s dream given to him. 

·      The should’ve: He should have kept quiet and not shared his powerful dream to be the primary leader over his brothers and father. 

The aha moments do not come while in the pit, but afterwards. I believe he learned from his pitiful experience while in a foreign country being Potiphar’s servant. The past rejections and feels of alienation became the fertile soil for a change in perspective. He chose to name the pit (Identify and name the problem) and rewrite his story (Live into a new narrative which includes the pit experience and other past events.) He turned could, would, and should into I can. I will. I shall.

Here’s the truth mature Joseph learned when he revealed himself to his brothers in Egypt: Joseph said, “Do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you.” (Genesis 45:5) Read Genesis 45:4-9. 

I never had the experience of being thrown into a pit and left to die.  However, my parents did drop off a precocious 18-year-old in front of Cooper Hall, Room 102 at Morehead State University in 1981. I knew no one. I had this hollow feeling that I was going shrivel up and die surround by four cold walls while laying on my hard bed with the smell of stale beer and cigarette smoke in the air.  At the time, I believed nothing good would come of this college experience.  I wished I remained at home living as a good old country boy and wishing I had never grown up. Taylor Swift coined that phrase in her song, “Never Grow Up.” One line says, “I wish I had never grown up.” Joseph may have felt or said the same.

Dr. Virginia Todd Holeman wrote in her book, Reconcilable Differences, “Pain is not the enemy (although you may find that hard to believe). Avoiding pain in order to avoid growing is the enemy. Therefore, you boldly challenge to increase your own threshold for pain for the sake of growth. (Virginia Todd Holeman, Reconcilable Differences, 108).

Growth happens when a person modifies their self-talk and rewrites their story.  Instead of defaulting to all your “could’ve, would’ve and should’ve;” you adapt them by making statements that reflects self-compassion Such as…

·      I can make a difference in this world despite the resistance. 

·      I will live out God’s dream revealed in me for the benefit of family, friends, and neighbors.

·      I shall learn from every painful experience to help me grow and mature into the human God created me to be.

Part of my pastoral counseling practice involves working with married couples going through painful events in their present situation or in their history. Affairs, abuse, or anger to name only a few.  Much of the pain revolves around the hurting spouse bringing up the past event to show how they have been betrayed or forgotten. 

One insight I share to help couples deal with this deep hurt is to talk about the event in terms of past, present, and future.   I explain you can use the past painful event as a club in the present to beat up your spouse so that you can drive home the point of your hurt; or you can bring up the past into the present and mutual learn more about yourselves and together learn how to move forward. The latter allows the past to be acknowledged and healed so that you can write a love story moving into the future both can embrace. 

Jesus said in Matthew 7:24, “Everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise person who built his house on the rock.” When you believe Jesus can redeem your life or your marriage, and pull you out of the pit, you will be like Joseph and name the pit and rewrite your story.  You will be able to see things you’ve never seen before, believe things you never believed before and do things you’ve never done before.

The words, “could’ve, would’ve and should’ve” will be changed into I can, I will and I shall. This will set you on a course of transformation within you and your relationships.