Self-Care: Reducing the Pain

A Native American wisdom story tells of an old Cherokee who is teaching his grandson about life.

“A fight is going on inside me,” the grandfather said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, and ego. 

The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which one will win?” The old wise grandfather simply replied, “The one you feed.” (Self-Compassion, pg. 98)

The human dilemma comes down to how you care for yourself and others.  What words do you use when you talk to yourself? Self-talk is normal. How do you treat yourself when you screw up? Judgmental words or compassionate words. 

We can be hard on ourselves.  We might say after accidently turning the car into a telephone pole, “You dumb piece of crap why didn’t you see that pole and avoid it!” Ouch! That was a bit harsh! The more you feed the evil wolf, the more intense the negative emotions.  Are you in the habit of repeatedly judging yourself?

Consider a different path: one of self-compassion. The word “compassion” means to suffer with. Self-compassion means to allow yourself to feel the suffering, acknowledge it, and treat yourself with gentleness and understanding. 

Kristin Neff, in her book, Self-Compassion, writes, “You validate and listen to what you really need in the moment, and you express empathy toward yourself rather than condemnation.” Jesus suffered alongside hurting humanity.  His life and ministry showed compassion not condemnation. 

Jesus found himself in a tough spot when the Pharisees were trying to push him toward condemnation by using the Law.

John 8:4-11 describes how Jesus showed compassion:

“Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5 In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?”6 They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there.10 Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

11 “No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

The truth here is clear. We need to have compassion first for sufferers and lost alike, ourselves included. Moving the mountain and throwing it into the sea takes a step of faith to put into motion when we hear Jesus’ compassionate voice.

Here’s one reason: Research has demonstrated that our brains have a negativity bias, meaning we’re more sensitive to negative than to positive information. When evaluating ourselves, for instance, negative facts are given more weight than positive ones (Self-Compassion, pg. 110). In other words, our brains become Velcro with negative experiences and Teflon with positive ones.

Where do you start when you want to reframe self-condemnation into self-compassion talk? Keep these two thoughts in mind when you find yourself in a difficult moment. 1) Be kind to yourself.  Be gracious with yourself. 2) Allow yourself to acknowledge the pain and be present with it. Be aware of what you are feeling in the present moment.

I am a believer in self-care.  Jesus took time to care for himself so I should practice the same.  When you find yourself suffering, a difficult moment in my life, and feel the need for some self-compassion use this prayer to center yourself in the present moment with compassion, taking keep and relaxing breaths after each phrase:

Self-Compassion Prayer

1.    I am suffering right now.

2.    This is part of the human experience.

3.    May I be kind to myself in this moment.

4.    I will listen and embrace Jesus’ compassionate voice.