Boundaries: Setting Them and Keeping Them

The most basic definition of boundaries is where I end, and where you begin.  We can think of our skin as a natural boundary.  That is easy to see and easy to define.  But there are emotional boundaries too. And saying no is the most direct way of setting a boundary.  It has been said that “no” is a complete sentence.  Probably a sentence more of us need to get used to using in our lives.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, taken advantage of, resentful, discouraged it might be you have some work to do on setting boundaries.  I often hear in session with clients, “I set boundaries, but others keep crossing them.”  Maybe you have tried to set boundaries in the past only to have them ignored or blatantly crossed.  Knowing about boundaries is not the same thing as understanding them.

Boundaries are the responsibility of the person setting the boundary. It is not the other persons responsibility.  When new to setting boundaries, it is easy to assume that setting the boundary is the end.  It is just the beginning.  When someone crosses your clearly stated boundary, it is your responsibility to maintain it.

Many of us were raised in families that are enmeshed.  In an enmeshed family the lines that separate people are fuzzy.  I like to say that “We are all up in each other’s business.” Growing up this way can make it hard to see yourself as anything but selfish when you set normal healthy boundaries.  Boundaries are really just basic self-care.  It is about understanding yourself and what you need.

 This will feel awkward and uncomfortable.  Nedra Glover Tawwab, in her book about boundaries writes that her clients ask her all the time how they can set a boundary without feeling guilty and she answers with a simple, “you don’t.”  Knowing this can help us to normalize the guilt we feel when we stick to the boundary we set.  Here are some examples:

Unhealthy Boundary Setting:

Mary asked her friend Pam to not call her after 9pm because of needing to wind down before bed and be well rested for her workday.  After setting this boundary with her friend, Pam continued to call right at 9 or maybe a few minutes before like 8:55pm.  Mary would answer the phone and keep her answers short, hoping Pam would remember what time it was and Mary’s earlier request.  The longer this went on the more resentful Mary became until it negatively affected their relationship.

Healthy Boundary Setting:

Mary asked her friend Pam to not call her after 9pm because she needed time to unwind before bed to be well rested for her workday.  After setting this boundary with her friend Pam, Mary set her phone on Do Not Disturb at 8:45pm and read quietly before getting into bed at 10pm.  When she ran into Pam a few days later, Pam was visibly upset and sarcastically remarked about Mary needing “soooo” much quiet time before bed.  To which Mary smiled and said, “I am happy to talk to you earlier in the evening and my voice mail is always available, you can leave me a message and I will call you as soon as I can the next day.”  There was a bit a of awkward silence and then they went on talking about something else.  Boundary set and maintained.

The amazing thing is that when we set clear boundaries and we keep them we find we feel less overwhelmed, less taken advantage of and less resentful.  Our relationships become energy giving instead of energy depleting.  We are not angry at our friend for crossing our boundary we understand that this is human and what we all do.  We simply remind them and move on.  When we allow people to violate our boundary over and over, we begin to see them in a negative light and start to resent them.  We have not honored our own boundary when we start thinking things like, they should know I am busy, or if it was me, I would know not to call after 9pm.  If you are expecting others to honor your boundary but are not honoring, it yourself then that can lead to a whole myriad of negative emotions.

Just remember, healthy boundaries start with you, and they end with you.  They are a way of taking good care of yourself.  When you are in a better place and have cared for yourself well you will have more energy to give to those you care about, and you will not feel resentful.