Take a Bite of the Apple - Marriage Relationships
The Garden of Eden had one tree from which Adam and Eve were not allowed to eat the fruit. Today, we contribute the apple as the appealing fruit. Eve saw the apple was pleasing to the eye and she took a bite. She offered the chosen fruit to Adam. Both enjoyed and their eyes were open. The fallout ensued. I used a negative relationship narrative to highlight how married couples need not implode their relationship with anger, blame or contempt.
John Gottman, a marriage expert, writes about the art of intimate conversation to build trust in a marriage. Gottman points out the wife may feel neglected or has lost the desire to have an intimate conversation with her husband. Their intimacy has been replaced with tolerated civility. The unmet needs leave the heart emotionally empty. Unknowingly, the husband loses the desire to listen or share his feelings or ask thoughtful questions. The married relationship of being known and valued turns out be paradise lost.
Deep inside most of us is a yearning to be better known and still deeply loved for who we are; it is a place where no secrets are kept hidden and where your secrets have brought you closer together as a married couple.
There are five go-to treatments, [Accommodate, Admire, Adore, Affirm, and Affection] readily apparent when you are finding your relationship has lost its passion and lighthearted fun. Many couples have stopped practicing them even though this is what they used to do best when they first dated!
1) Accommodation involves a caring person going out of their way to make time to show their infatuation with their partner.
2) Adoration puts the person on a pedestal, and they can do no wrong. The partner cherishes every wise or funny word from their mouth.
3) Admiration respects what the participating partner does when no one else understands and accepts who they are as a human being.
4) Affirmation makes the effort to speak positively and gives the participating partner a strong sense of belonging.
5) Affection shows love and tenderness through touch or warm words. The partner takes the time to mutually appreciate the emotional or sexual activities the partner enjoys.
These attitudes and expressions draw a couple closer together. Unfortunately, married couples have come to settle for less of these practices than either spouse has wanted. Which “A”pple will start with? When will you both mutually agree to put these attitudes and expressions into action? They are exactly what a loving spouse would do to ignite an intimate conversation. Who knows where it might lead! The language of the attraction (the five A’s) becomes the language of friendship. Married couples starve for this kind of love.
Kurt King, Pastoral Counselor