Relationships with your Adult Children

Over the course of our lives, we will have many relationships.  Friends, co-workers, family members, spouses, and more.  Relationships can be life giving and they can be life draining.  Boundaries can help us navigate the challenges that all relationships bring and help us to experience the joys of being in relationship as well.

One relationship that doesn’t get a lot of attention is the relationship we have with our adult children.  Over the course of my career as a counselor I have helped many parents as they move into unknown territory.  A shift occurs in our relationship with our children when they become adults.  Our role as parent moves from one of authority to a more mentoring role.  A mentor can be defined as an experienced and trusted adviser.  We are no longer “telling” our kids what they should do. We are listening and offering advice when asked.  This can be a very hard transition for many parents who are used to a more hierarchical relationship.  Being on equal footing can be scary.  It can feel like a loss of control because it is.

As parents of adults, we can be their mentor, we can help them process their decisions.  We can listen and advise upon their request, but we must let them live their lives.  That means, letting them make their own mistakes.  And that is where it is scary.  We can provide a soft place for them to land, that is appropriate.  But they must own their consequences, we are no longer responsible for them.

In the Boundaries book by John Townsend and Henry Cloud they make the distinction between being “responsible for” and being “responsible to”.  It is as our children transition into adults that we also transition from a “responsible for” stance into a “responsible to” way of relating to our children.  What is the difference?  Well, when we are “responsible for”, we are required to care for them.  When our 16-year-old son wrecked his car, a car provided by us, his parents, we paid to have it fixed.  Now that he is an adult, those repair costs will be on him.  As we have shifted to a “responsible to” relationship.  That doesn’t mean we cut our beloved son off.  That means we help him think about his options, maybe help him to budget or find money for the repair.  We might even offer him a loan for the cost of repair.  A loan that we write up with a plan to pay back.  We could even be gracious with that loan, but we allow him to be responsible for his own life.  We give him the freedom to live his life and make his own choices and with that comes accepting and paying for his own consequences.  Boundaries are ultimately about love.  Boundaries are not about withholding love.  Another benefit of moving from “responsible for” to “responsible to” is that it helps build confidence in these budding adults.  As they take care of themselves with our guidance they feel more in control of their lives.  And as we allow them to ask us for advice instead of always telling them what to do they see our wisdom and will ask more often. 

Which brings me to the overwhelming joys of adult children.  Kurt and I just got back from a trip with our 4 adult children.  Our family has expanded with some in-laws as well making our number 8 now.  Being with my kids is my favorite thing to do.  I call them “my tribe.”  Kurt and I have weathered many storms along the way raising our kids through the tumultuous teen years and beyond.  With our youngest graduating from college this past spring they are all living their own lives.  It is a delicate balance wanting to offer advice, holding my tongue when their decisions are “not what I would do” or “you weren’t raised that way,” or any of the other thoughts that swirl in my head and cause anxiety.  My husband and I decided early on that we would fight to maintain the relationships with our kids; we would make relationship our goal.  And that has been a source of much heartache and even more joy.  Because if you have a relationship with your kids, they are more likely to listen to you than when all they feel is your judgement. 

Maya Angelou has said:

"People will forget what you said, people

will forget what you did,

but people will never

forget how you made

them feel.”

I think this is the best advice I have for your relationships with your adult children.  Listen to them, be interested in their lives, ask them questions, find out what is important to them.  Love them, help them to become who they want to be.  Be there for them when they fail.  Not to save them but to work with them and help them to help themselves.

And then laugh, play, have deep talks about important things.  Enjoy them.  Make them your tribe.

Annie King