Generosity

Let’s talk about generosity.  Sounds kind of old fashioned, doesn’t it?  Can you think of someone in your life that you would describe as generous?  When I think of generous people I usually think of my husband, Kurt.  He has a way of sharing with others that has always inspired me.  Whether it is offering to help someone in need, giving to a ministry or charity he is passionate about or just showering our family with love and support.  He is a healthy giver and that is what I would like to write about today.  How to be a healthy giver.  I found this by Adam Grant on Instagram, if you are not currently following him, I encourage you to, as he often has words of wisdom that hit home at precisely the right time.  Here is what Adam wrote on January 29 of this year:

The antidote to selfishness isn’t altruism. It’s generosity.

Selfishness is expecting others to sacrifice for your

Altruism is sacrificing yourself for others.

Generosity is helping others without hurting yourself.

You can’t care for others if you don’t take care of yourself.

@AdamMGrant 

When giving becomes unhealthy it can look like altruism, which at first glance seems good and even noble.  Giving is not the problem, it is the losing of yourself in the process that can become unhealthy.   Let’s look at this more closely.  

Altruism at face value is a good thing, you might even say it is heroic.  Altruism is defined by Merriam-Webster as the unselfish regard for or devotion to the welfare of others.  There are times in our lives when we find ourselves in a situation where we are called upon to give ourselves in caring for others.  This is a good thing, however when we give to others to the point of sacrificing our own mental, emotional, and physical health it is not good for either us or the person we are trying to help. 

How do we do this?  How do we give to others without losing ourselves?  What does it look like to practice generosity in real time?  It is a nice theory on paper but what can you do when you are the sole caregiver of young children, or an elderly parent?  How do find time for yourself, to practice self-care?  What about your needs? These are good questions and the answers are not always easy to find.  But by being aware of what you need you can begin making small changes and small changes can help.  

Sometimes we find ourselves caring for people who are capable of caring for themselves.  I think this is where we run the risk of falling into an unhealthy altruism rather than a healthy generosity.  If you find yourself in a relationship with someone who is expecting or demanding that you sacrifice for them while they are unwilling to sacrifice for you this is not a healthy relationship dynamic.  Think red flag.  

In any healthy relationship at any given time the balance of giving and taking can seem to be uneven.  That is not necessarily a problem as long as there is a shifting back and forth.  One partner is giving and the other receiving and then it reverses, and the giver is on the receiving end.  A healthy relationship often requires sacrifice on both parts.  If you notice that the sacrifice is falling solely on you with no reciprocity, then that is what we are talking about with altruism.  Generous relationships don’t require us to lose ourselves.

It is right and good for you to recognize you have needs.  Give generously, and also care for yourself. You will be surprised how much more you have to give when your own needs are met.