Toxic Positivity
A few weeks ago, as I was scrolling through Instagram, I caught a short video by one of my favorite authors, Kate Bowler. I have read two of her books, “Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I’ve Loved,” and most recently, “No Cure for Being Human: And Other Truths I Need to Hear.” I recommend both books as they challenge some of our strongly held, often unspoken beliefs.
In the video Kate talked about what she called “toxic positivity.” She was referencing social media and what she describes as “show and tell” for adults. My cousin, Wendy, when asked if she was on Facebook, answered that question in a comical but very true way when she said, “I don’t have Facebook, I have already lived through Jr. High, and I don’t need to repeat it.” It made me laugh at the time, but I began to see the truth of her statement as I heard about the difficulties social media has caused to relationships, friendships and even families. For all its good, and there are good things. Like people staying connected to out-of-town friends and family in ways that were not possible in years past. This is one of the many positive uses of the different social media platforms. There is a darker side too.
It has been said that social media is nothing more than a highlight reel. We see everyone’s best days. It is a snapshot of life. A perfect picture. Although, not fully true it helps to perpetuate the Norman Rockwell ideal of what we want our lives to be. But it is not real. If we could all keep this in mind it would be helpful. You can think of this as the annual Christmas letter only done every day multiple times. In the annual Christmas letter sent out once a year we generally high light the best parts of the year. It is probably assumed that there were hard times during the year in addition to the wonder filled events. It is harder to make that assumption when good things seem to happen day in and day out. Leaving those of us who are struggling feeling alone. Feeling like we are the only one’s suffering. Asking ourselves over and over, “what am I doing wrong?”
It turns out, you are doing nothing wrong you are just being human and experiencing the plethora of emotions that humans feel. It is not healthy and even “toxic” to expect to feel good all the time. And that is one of the greatest harms of social media. This expectation that I should be happy all the time and things should go my way all the time. Not only is it unrealistic it is dangerous. We were meant to have a wide range of emotions, many positive emotions, and many negative emotions. If I can only be ok, if I feel ok, then I have just painted myself into a corner and now I am completely at the mercy of my emotions. An unpredictable leader at best.
It is completely normal to experience sadness, anger, jealousy, embarrassment, humiliation, frustration, guilt, and more. Feeling this way is not necessarily clinical. It is just part of being human. Learning to sit with the negative emotion and allowing it to pass is the true path to freedom. It means that I can be ok, no matter what happens. And things will happen. In John 16:33 Jesus reminds us that this world is full of trouble. Expecting our lives to be easy and effortless void of any pain is not realistic and it leaves us feeling like everyone else is doing life right and we are doing it wrong. We are wrong, we don’t measure up to this fantasy life that is only true in the virtual world. It isn’t real life.
Next time you are scrolling through your social media and see all the great things people are doing and how they are handling all of life with grace and ease remind yourself that they are wanting to believe the fantasy too. You are not doing life wrong, you are not wrong, you are just doing the best that you can in the real world. Fantasies are fun but they are not real, they are in fact, only an illusion.
Life is hard, it has always been hard and wonderful, and fun, and awe inspiring. When you are tempted to measure your real life against the unreality online remember, take a deep breath, be kind to yourself and keep it real.